Saw a Marathi movie today called Jhing Chik Jhing (with English subtitles) at the Navdanya organised Bhoomi – The Earth Festival. Navdanya organises such events every year on Gandhi Jayanti, and almost each year for the last 5-6 years i’m there.

Just could not manage to stay on after this movie (followed by a light lunch) to go through another round of sobbing bouts. There were two more movies planned on the pathetic state of farmers and farming in India. It was already very difficult holding back from breaking out into a loud crying while watching Jhing Chik Jhing – any more of the same would have had me completely broken down.

I left India International Centre (IIC) deeply angry with myself – for not doing enough with my life and not reaching out to my life purpose. At 35, i wanted to get into politics and find deeper meaning in my life. And here i am still worrying about converting the next $15000 project to ensure we can keep paying our bills, salaries and bonuses, including mine, at Srijan.

I left desperate to find a way for getting me my Rs.1,00,000 per month which i feel i need to have for my family to live well with a decent standard of living. In spite of this goal that i have set for myself, i am clear that i’m not going to be able to solve the problems of farmer suicides, as an example; or bringing dignity to millions of people across India. Atleast right now, this is not something i feel i can achieve.

The problems of the world are far too complex for any one person to be able to dramatically solve. We’re clearly heading towards disaster, and there seems to be only lip-service offered by the world leaders in creating a more humane, dignified and evolved world. My earlier blog post on the excerpts from the book “Making India Work” by William Nanda Bissel talks about this tremendous mess we’re in very succinctly.

In any case, all human action, all human endeavour, all good or bad that we create for ourselves on this planet – is all futile in the end. Each one of us will die, and it really does not matter how great or how ignorant a life we lived. The one who has passed away will not not be around to hear the appreciation, nor the abuses, of the people who benefited or suffered at ones hands. In the end, we’re a spec of dust in this glorious massive creation. Insignificant! Yes, absolutely insignificant – no matter how much importance we add to ourselves or the lives we live.

Yet there is a deep longing to follow my inspiration and plunge myself into action, and change whatever i can. The inspiration comes from outside of me – i am clear that i did not create it. It came to me. So i feel, that whoever gave me that inspiration must have a reason for giving it to me as well – some purpose that i must achieve, perhaps.

And this longing, this slow pace of moving towards that inspiration often frustrates me. Perhaps more than that, living a life which is completely opposite to that inspiration makes me a little more shallow each day. For instance, i just came back from dinner with my extended family, and blew-off Rs.5000+ on Italian food. Jhing Chik Jhing is a movie about a husband-wife who’re ready to kill themselves, and along with them their son and daughter (as they could not leave them suffering behind them), for they could not return a debt of Rs.10,000 taken from a local money-lender who was now forcibly taking over their home and farm-land. The figure of Rs.10,000 is not just an exaggeration. The large part of Vidharbha suicides are for figures as small as these.